Why You Need the Good Stress of Socializing
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
This episode explores the concept of the "social biome" - an interdependent system of relationships and social interactions that dramatically impacts our health and well-being. Communication professor Jeffrey Hall discusses why modern society struggles with socializing despite its proven benefits, comparing social interactions to a beneficial stressor similar to exercise. (02:27) The conversation examines structural barriers to socializing, from intensive work schedules to the decline of "third spaces," while offering practical strategies to intentionally exercise our social muscles in an increasingly isolated world.
- Main Theme: Understanding socializing as beneficial stress that requires intentional practice, similar to physical exercise, to combat the modern "age of interiority" and build resilient social connections for better health and longevity.
Speakers
Brett McKay
Host of The Art of Manliness podcast and founder of the Art of Manliness website, focusing on helping men develop practical skills and character. McKay has been producing content about masculinity, self-improvement, and practical life skills since 2008.
Jeffrey Hall
Professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas and coauthor of "The Social Biome." Hall runs the Relationships and Technology Lab and specializes in research on human relationships, from friendships to romantic connections. His previous research on friendship formation revealed it takes much longer to make close friends than most people expect, and he's recognized for his work on social media, texting, and communication patterns.
Key Takeaways
Socializing Functions as Beneficial Stress
Just as physical exercise stresses the body to build strength and resilience, socializing acts as a beneficial stressor that strengthens our social muscles and overall well-being. (34:53) Hall explains that while social interactions can be challenging and require effort, they activate repair systems that reduce chronic stress and build immunity. The key insight is that acute social stress, when experienced regularly, actually reduces our overall stress levels - similar to how regular exercise prevents chronic health issues. This reframes socializing from something we should avoid when tired to something we should intentionally pursue for our health.
Follow the "Weaker Impulse" to Show Up
When faced with social opportunities, our natural tendency is often to avoid them, especially when we're tired or stressed. However, Hall advocates following the "weaker impulse" - the small voice that says we should go despite not feeling like it. (49:01) Research consistently shows people overestimate how bad social experiences will be and underestimate the benefits. Each time we show up, it becomes easier the next time, creating a positive feedback loop. This means prioritizing attendance at weddings, parties, and gatherings even when inconvenient, because showing up is the foundation of all meaningful relationships.
Create Intentional Social Routines
Modern life requires us to deliberately schedule social interactions the same way we schedule exercise routines. Hall suggests implementing a simple framework: something daily (small talk with a stranger or coworker), something weekly (checking in with a close friend), and something monthly (longer social activities like dinners or shared activities). (43:59) Unlike previous generations where social activities were automatically built into daily life, we must now fight against social inertia by making specific plans and putting them on our calendars, treating them as seriously as we would medical appointments.
Climb the Ladder of Connection
Not all forms of communication are equal in their benefits for building relationships. Hall presents a hierarchy moving from mindless social media scrolling (least beneficial) up through texting, phone calls, video chats, and finally face-to-face interaction (most beneficial). (44:27) Rather than expecting dramatic changes, the goal is to move up one rung at a time. If you typically only text with friends, try scheduling a phone call. If you usually call, suggest meeting in person. This graduated approach makes improvement manageable while steadily enhancing the quality of your social connections.
Support Individual Friendships Within Relationships
One of the most important yet overlooked strategies for maintaining social health is encouraging your romantic partner to maintain individual friendships outside of couple friendships. (25:10) Research shows that happier marriages include partners who each have their own friend circles. When we spend time with friends individually, we return to our relationships more energized and fulfilled. Friends provide different perspectives, advice, and conversation topics that our partners may not offer, making us more well-rounded individuals and better partners.
Statistics & Facts
- People in the top income brackets who don't have to keep working actually work more hours than previous generations, contributing to decreased social time. (07:45) This economic reality means that even successful people are too busy working to maintain social connections.
- Time spent visiting friends on weeknights has declined significantly, and when surveyed about their ideal evening, people now prefer solitary activities like watching TV in pajamas over social activities. (13:06) This represents a dramatic shift in social expectations from previous decades.
- Studies following participants for 15-30 years consistently find that strong social relationships and frequent social interactions are among the most reliable predictors of longevity and health outcomes. (03:17) The research shows that improving social connections at any life stage, even in middle age, can extend lifespan.
