Relationship Expert: The SECRET to Healing Your Relationship After Conflict
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this transformative episode, relationship expert and TEDx speaker Bea Voce joins Lewis Howes to explore the complex journey of healthy conflict resolution in intimate relationships. The conversation dives deep into the three phases of relationships - from the initial "enmeshment" phase where couples feel like soulmates, through the challenging "power struggle" phase where differences create friction, to the ultimate goal of "interdependence" where partners work together with understanding and gentleness. (02:29) Voce emphasizes that most couples never progress past the power struggle phase, remaining stuck in cycles of unresolved tension. The discussion covers essential topics including emotional regulation, the physiological impact on relationships, and the critical difference between conflict that leads to repair versus conflict that creates ongoing pain. (09:29)
- Main Theme: Transforming conflict from a relationship destroyer into a healing and intimacy-building tool through proper repair techniques and emotional regulation skills.
Speakers
Bea Voce
Bea Voce is a renowned relationship expert, TEDx speaker, and author whose programs translate emotional intelligence into practical team and relationship habits. She has extensive experience helping individuals and couples navigate conflict resolution and emotional regulation. Voce has researched relationship dynamics for years and works closely with clients to transform their approach to intimate partnerships. Her work draws from various therapeutic modalities and she collaborates with leading relationship therapists like Terry Real.
Lewis Howes
Lewis Howes is the host of The School of Greatness podcast and a bestselling author focused on personal development and leadership. He brings his own relationship journey and healing experiences to conversations, having worked through his own challenges with emotional regulation, boundaries, and intimate partnerships. Howes is married to actress Martha Higareda and openly shares his growth in developing healthier relationship patterns.
Key Takeaways
Master the Three-Phase Relationship Framework
Understanding that relationships naturally progress through three distinct phases can prevent couples from getting stuck in destructive patterns. The first phase involves enmeshment where couples feel like perfect soulmates. (02:33) Inevitably, couples enter the power struggle phase where individual differences create tension and conflict. This is where most relationships remain trapped, cycling through the same arguments and disconnections. The goal is reaching interdependence, where partners understand each other's wounds and can work together with greater gentleness and awareness. Recognizing these phases normalizes conflict and helps couples understand that tension is not a sign of incompatibility but rather a natural part of relationship evolution.
Prioritize Physiological Health for Emotional Regulation
The connection between physical health and emotional regulation is often overlooked in relationship work, yet it's fundamental to conflict resolution. Poor sleep, blood sugar imbalances, thyroid issues, hormone disruptions, and nutrient deficiencies directly impact our ability to stay regulated during conflict. (16:46) Voce shares how her wife's thyroid levels being out of balance directly correlated with increased emotional dysregulation. Simple interventions like getting morning and evening sunlight, prioritizing quality sleep, eating well, and getting comprehensive lab work done can dramatically improve relationship dynamics by addressing the biological foundations of emotional stability.
Practice the TAR Method for Healthy Conflict
The TAR framework (Truth, Agreement, Responsibility) revolutionizes how couples approach disagreements. First, abandon the fight for "truth" - there is no objective truth in relationships, only two people with different perspectives and experiences. (26:45) Second, release the need for agreement; instead focus on having your perspective heard, seen, and validated while doing the same for your partner. Third, take appropriate responsibility without swinging to extremes of blame or shame. This approach transforms conflict from a win-lose battle into an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection.
Implement the 70% Repair Rule
Healthy repair requires realistic expectations about what your partner can provide versus what you must heal within yourself. When seeking attunement and repair, expect about 70% from your partner - meaning they're genuinely trying, asking questions, and making an effort even if it's not perfect. (32:11) The remaining 30% represents your individual healing work that no partner can complete for you. This framework prevents partners from becoming overwhelmed by unrealistic repair expectations while ensuring individuals take responsibility for their own emotional well-being and unhealed wounds.
Regulate Before Engaging in Repair
Successful conflict resolution requires both parties to reach emotional regulation before attempting repair conversations. (28:08) When dysregulated, both partners should retreat to separate spaces to "do nothing" - drink water, take a bath, call a friend, or use grounding techniques. Only when at least one person reaches a 3 or below on a 1-10 dysregulation scale should repair conversations begin. The person most in need of repair should go first, while their partner practices perspective-taking by temporarily setting aside their own experience to fully attune to their partner's world without needing to agree or fix.
Statistics & Facts
- Most couples never progress beyond the power struggle phase of relationships, remaining stuck in cycles of conflict without reaching interdependence where healing and growth occur. (04:20)
- The 70% rule indicates that healthy repair requires partners to provide about 70% attunement and effort, while the remaining 30% represents individual healing work that cannot be outsourced to a partner. (32:11)
- Couples often wait too long to seek professional help, making repair significantly more difficult - starting therapy early when problems are manageable requires less skilled intervention than waiting until relationships reach crisis point. (56:49)
