It Begins With You: Jillian Turecki On Why Dating Is Broken, Self-Awareness Is Everything, & What Actually Makes Love Last
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this compelling episode, Rich Roll sits down with relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author Jillian Turecki to explore the complex dynamics of love, intimacy, and relationships. (02:34) The conversation delves into why intimacy reveals our character defects, how childhood conditioning sabotages adult relationships, and the universal fear that drives so much relationship dysfunction. (03:49) Turecki shares her own transformative story of a toxic relationship with her ex-husband that led to her becoming a relationship expert, while offering practical guidance for anyone seeking deeper connection and healthier partnerships.
• Main themes include the fundamental importance of self-awareness, the work required to maintain healthy relationships, and how our early experiences shape our capacity for love and intimacy.
Speakers
Rich Roll
Rich Roll is the host of the Rich Roll Podcast and New York Times bestselling author. A former entertainment lawyer turned ultra-endurance athlete, he has been married to his wife for over 25 years and brings deep personal experience with relationships and personal transformation to his conversations.
Jillian Turecki
Jillian Turecki is a relationship expert, New York Times bestselling author of "It Begins With You," and host of the "Jillian on Love" podcast. She also offers online courses, runs an online membership community, and publishes a weekly newsletter, all focused on helping people understand themselves and create healthier relationships.
Key Takeaways
Choose Your Partner Wisely and Show Up Authentically
According to Turecki, there are only two things that matter in relationships: who you choose and who you decide to show up as. (02:47) Your partner choice is incredibly important because they will impact your nervous system, sleep, choices, worldview, and beliefs. There's a "yoking" or blending that happens between two people in a committed relationship. (17:49) The only way to make wise partner choices is by first understanding yourself deeply. This means doing the internal work to recognize your patterns, triggers, and what you truly need versus what you think you want.
Self-Awareness is the Foundation of Healthy Relationships
Every single relationship you have has one common denominator: you. (23:35) Rather than being defensive about this truth, Turecki encourages curiosity about yourself and your patterns. If you want something to change in your love life, you must look at yourself and your behaviors. This includes understanding what you were drawn to in past partners, what was happening in your life when you met them, and what needs you were trying to get met. (25:32) The goal isn't endless self-analysis but actionable change based on self-understanding.
Emotional Regulation Prevents Relationship Destruction
One of the biggest relationship killers that people don't recognize is mismanaged stress. (43:14) When people are constantly reactive to daily stresses - not major life events, but minor irritations - they become emotionally unavailable to their partners. They don't want to be intimate, affectionate, or connected. Turecki emphasizes that emotional regulation isn't about being happy all the time, but about paying attention to your relationship with stress and not being in a constant state of reactivity. (43:29) When both partners are perpetually reactive to minor stresses, they become disconnected from each other.
Trust Must Be Earned Through Consistent Actions
Open communication requires a foundation of trust, and trust is built through consistent reliability. (50:44) If someone says they need time to process during conflict, they must always return to the conversation as promised. You have to promise to return and always follow through, otherwise you become unreliable and can't be trusted. Turecki also notes that creating safety for difficult conversations involves taking personal responsibility rather than blame. Instead of saying "you hurt me," try "this was my experience, and I realize there might be more to this story." (52:09)
Focus on Meeting Your Partner's Needs, Not Just Your Own
Before considering leaving a relationship, ask yourself if you know what your partner needs to feel loved, important, and cherished. (77:03) Many people in relationships don't even know what makes their partner feel valued. Turecki suggests conducting a 30-day experiment: focus on meeting your partner's needs and being the partner you want to be, then see if something magical happens. Often it does, because when you show up differently, it creates space for your partner to show up differently too. (78:30) This approach shifts focus from what you're not getting to what you can give.
Statistics & Facts
No specific statistics were provided in this episode.
