Make Friends With Death to Live a Better Life
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this profound episode, Brett McKay speaks with Joanna Ebenstein, founder of Morbid Anatomy and author of "Memento Mori: The Art of Contemplating Death to Live a Better Life." The conversation explores how Western culture has lost its intimate relationship with death and the psychological consequences of this disconnect. Ebenstein argues that making friends with death is key to fully embracing life, sharing how contemplating mortality can lead to greater clarity about priorities and values. (02:27)
- Main themes include death denial in modern culture, historical mourning practices, the benefits of death contemplation, and practical approaches to developing a personal relationship with mortality
Speakers
Brett McKay
Host of The Art of Manliness podcast and founder of The Art of Manliness website. McKay has built a platform dedicated to helping men develop character, skills, and purpose in their lives through thoughtful conversations with experts across various fields.
Joanna Ebenstein
Founder of Morbid Anatomy, a project exploring how death intersects with history and culture through exhibitions, lectures, and classes. She is the author of "Memento Mori: The Art of Contemplating Death to Live a Better Life" and has dedicated her career to studying death practices across cultures and time periods.
Key Takeaways
Death Denial is a Modern Luxury
Until the late 19th to early 20th century, death was an integral part of daily life - people butchered their own animals, died at home surrounded by loved ones, and experienced shorter life expectancies with high child mortality rates. (03:47) The ability to deny death at all is "a luxury unique to our time and place," as Ebenstein explains. The professionalization of death through hospitals and funeral homes, combined with improved hygiene standards, pushed mortality further from everyday experience. This shift represents a fundamental break from thousands of years of human tradition where death was visible and accepted as part of life's natural cycle.
Contemplating Death Clarifies Life Priorities
Ebenstein shares her personal practice of contemplating death before flights, asking herself "if I die on this flight, what do I wish I had done differently with my life?" (13:50) This mirrors Steve Jobs' famous practice of looking in the mirror daily and asking if he wanted to do what he was planning that day. By regularly considering mortality, we gain clarity about what truly matters and develop courage to pursue authentic lives. The urgency created by acknowledging life's brevity cuts through trivial concerns and reveals our core values and priorities.
Develop Your Own Myth of Death
Carl Jung believed that from middle age onward, one of our main life tasks is preparing for death, which includes developing our own understanding of what happens after we die. (17:43) Jung emphasized this couldn't be received wisdom - you can't rely on what others have told you when facing your own mortality. Through personal struggle and reflection, individuals must create their own symbolic framework for understanding death. This personal mythology provides meaning rather than fear when approaching mortality and helps ease the dying process.
Grief Requires Full Expression for Healing
Traditional cultures understood that proper mourning requires complete emotional expression - "you have to look bad when you're done," according to indigenous traditions discussed by Martin Prechtel. (43:14) Cultures that practiced thorough grieving believed unexpressed grief could become physical disease, even "solidified tears" manifesting as tumors. Modern Western culture's tendency to medicate grief and rush people back to productivity prevents proper emotional processing and may contribute to broader societal problems including violence and addiction.
Practical Death Preparation Benefits Everyone
Taking care of practical death preparations - creating wills, advance directives, organizing passwords, and engaging in "Swedish death cleaning" (gradually disposing of possessions) - represents an act of love for survivors. (53:50) Ebenstein describes witnessing the trauma of emptying a deceased person's house, watching strangers bargain over cherished possessions at estate sales. By handling these practicalities while alive, we spare our loved ones additional grief during an already difficult time and ensure our wishes are respected.
Statistics & Facts
- The practice of mourning rituals dates back at least to the Neolithic era, with archaeologists finding graves containing offerings for the dead and bodies positioned in fetal positions, suggesting humans have been formally grieving for thousands of years. (41:51)
- According to research by Bonando at Columbia University, many people - including those who don't believe in an afterlife - spontaneously talk to their deceased loved ones as a natural response to grief, finding comfort in the practice regardless of their beliefs about its literal truth. (47:37)
- Death doulas identify four main categories that prevent peaceful dying: regret, unfinished business, grief, and shame, with the most common regret being "I wish I had said I loved you more." (37:14)
