#1026 - Alison Armstrong - How to Treat Men Better
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this fascinating conversation, relationship expert Alison Armstrong explores how gender dynamics are creating tension in modern relationships. (00:42) Armstrong, who has been studying men since 1991, reveals how women often unknowingly emasculate men and provides practical insights for creating better partnerships. The discussion covers everything from why pleasing men isn't the priority women think it is, to the four most charming qualities in women, and how to shift from destructive patterns to collaborative relationships. (21:00)
• Main themes: The episode focuses on understanding fundamental differences between men and women, moving beyond survival-based relationship patterns, and creating genuine partnership through appreciation, receptivity, and understanding complementary strengths.Speakers
Alison Armstrong
Alison Armstrong is a relationship coach, speaker, and author who has dedicated over 30 years to studying men and relationships. She began her research in 1991 after discovering she was "bringing out the worst" in men, which launched her journey into understanding gender dynamics. Armstrong is the founder of PAX Programs and author of several books including "The Queen's Code" and "Keys to the Kingdom," and has led workshops for thousands of women worldwide.
Chris Williamson
Chris Williamson is the host of Modern Wisdom podcast, having conducted over 1,000 episodes. He's known for his thoughtful interviews exploring psychology, philosophy, and human behavior with leading experts and thinkers.
Key Takeaways
Men Prioritize Being Empowered Over Being Pleased
Armstrong reveals that while women focus intensely on being pleasing to men, this misses the mark entirely. (12:00) Men would rather be empowered, admired, or accepted than pleased. Pleasing ranks very low on men's hierarchy of needs - it's something they care about only after all the important work of providing, protecting, and accomplishing is complete. Women exhaust themselves trying to please men when they should focus on appreciating and admiring their efforts instead.
The Four Most Charming Qualities That Attract Men
Armstrong identifies four key qualities that genuinely charm men: self-confidence, authenticity, passion, and receptivity. (32:00) Self-confidence tops the list, followed by the courage to be authentic and direct. Passion - having something outside the relationship that feeds you - creates energy that actually boosts men's testosterone levels. Finally, receptivity is crucial because the first three qualities make men want to give, but if a woman isn't receptive, she blocks the very generosity she's inspired.
Interruption Is One of the Biggest Forms of Emasculation
Women often interrupt men without realizing the damage it causes. (110:00) Armstrong explains that single focus equals peace for men - when they're concentrated on something, their brain screens out everything irrelevant to give them a state of calm productivity. Women interrupt this peace when they want connection, not understanding they've derailed the man's mental state. The solution is simple but requires discipline: count to 30 before speaking, then count to 30 again.
Men Are Looking for Complementary Strength, Not Competition
One of Armstrong's most profound insights is that men choose partners based on complementary strengths that enhance their own capabilities. (48:00) Using the Tom Brady and Jerry Rice analogy, she explains that men aren't looking for another version of themselves - they want someone whose different strengths alter the possibilities of their own performance. Women often make the mistake of trying to prove they're as strong as men in the same ways, when they should be showcasing their unique strengths and appreciating men's different capabilities.
Happiness Is the Ultimate Currency in Relationships
For men, making a woman genuinely happy represents the ultimate victory and earns the most "points." (150:00) However, Armstrong reveals that 90-95% of what it takes for a woman to be happy is actually up to her. Women must first meet their own fundamental needs (safety, sleep, nutrition, alone time) before they can access genuine happiness. Only when these needs are met can small gestures from men create significant joy. The key is that men need to get more points for their efforts than they lose from whatever the truth of the situation might be.
Statistics & Facts
- Armstrong has been studying men and relationships for over 33 years, starting in February 1991 when she discovered she was bringing out the worst in men. (02:02)
- She conducted workshops 24-26 times per year for 20 years, interacting with thousands of women to understand relationship dynamics and gender differences.
- Research shows that the faster an object is moving, the bigger the difference between a man's ability to track it versus a woman's ability to track it, demonstrating fundamental differences in visual processing between genders. (18:45)
