Reframing the Battle of Wills
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this episode of Hidden Brain, psychologist Stuart Ablon from Harvard Medical School challenges the conventional belief that people misbehave or resist change simply because they lack motivation. Through his research and clinical experience, Ablon reveals that challenging behaviors often stem from skill deficits rather than willfulness. He introduces the concept of collaborative problem solving as a more effective alternative to traditional reward-and-punishment approaches. (00:40)
- Main theme: Shifting from "will vs. skill" mindset in understanding and addressing behavioral challenges through empathy, skill-building, and collaborative solutions
Speakers
Shankar Vedantam
Host of Hidden Brain, NPR's award-winning podcast that explores the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior. Vedantam is also a correspondent for NPR's newsmagazines and has written extensively about psychology and social science.
Stuart Ablon
Clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital who specializes in helping people change challenging behaviors. He has spent over a decade working with psychologist Ross Green developing collaborative problem-solving approaches and has conducted extensive research on skill-based interventions in various settings including psychiatric hospitals and correctional facilities.
Key Takeaways
Think Skills, Not Will
When people consistently struggle with certain behaviors, the problem is often a lack of specific cognitive or emotional skills rather than a lack of motivation. Ablon's core principle "people do well if they can" suggests that if someone could perform better, they would. This challenges our default assumption that challenging behavior stems from defiance or laziness. (30:20) Instead of asking "How can I make them want to change?" we should ask "What skills might they be lacking?" This reframe opens up possibilities for skill-building rather than punishment-based approaches.
The Power of Genuine Empathy in Problem-Solving
True empathy means working hard to understand another person's perspective, not simply showing that you care. Ablon emphasizes that empathy is about understanding, not agreeing or disagreeing. (39:51) This involves four key components: asking clarifying questions, making educated guesses when information isn't forthcoming, reflecting back what you've heard in your own words, and providing reassurance that this isn't a disguised form of control. When we genuinely understand someone's concerns, they become more willing to listen to ours.
Collaborative Problem Solving Has Three Essential Steps
Effective behavior change happens through a structured three-step process. First, understand the other person's concerns, perspective, or what's difficult about the situation (empathy ingredient). Second, share your own concerns or perspective (only after truly understanding theirs). Third, invite them to collaborate on solutions that address both parties' concerns. (37:05) Crucially, let the other person suggest solutions first - this gives them ownership and helps develop their problem-solving skills.
Working Memory and Executive Skills Impact Daily Behavior
Many behavioral challenges stem from difficulties with working memory and executive functioning - the "CEO skills" of the brain that help us organize, plan, and manage multiple pieces of information simultaneously. (22:47) A child who can't clean their room might struggle with sequencing and prioritizing tasks, not defiance. Adults who miss deadlines might have attention and organization challenges. Recognizing these as skill deficits allows us to provide appropriate support rather than increasing pressure, which often makes performance worse.
Building Skills Benefits Both Parties
When adults use collaborative problem-solving approaches, both parties develop better skills. Research shows that not only do children improve their self-regulation and cognitive flexibility when adults use this approach, but the adults also become better problem-solvers with improved empathy and perspective-taking abilities. (60:07) This creates a positive cycle where both people grow more skilled at handling future challenges together.
Statistics & Facts
- At the Oregon State Hospital, staff were being assaulted at alarming rates before implementing collaborative problem-solving approaches, with staff creating a Facebook page to post pictures of their injuries to draw attention to the dangerous conditions. (49:37)
- Research in Ottawa found that children who received collaborative problem-solving interventions not only showed greater decreases in challenging behaviors compared to other treatment approaches, but also developed measurable improvements in self-regulation skills like impulse control and cognitive flexibility. (59:34)
- Thousands of studies have demonstrated a strong negative correlation between using tangible external rewards to motivate behavior and the development of intrinsic motivation - the more we try to motivate externally, the more we undermine internal drive. (68:49)
