Choose Your Seven Humans Wisely with author Fredrik Backman
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this deeply personal conversation, bestselling novelist Fredrik Backman explores how meaningful friendships are built through intentional effort, not luck. (01:54) Fredrik shares profound lessons learned from his 30-year friendship with Riyadh, who taught him that relationships require showing up consistently and being genuinely happy for others' success. The episode delves into the healing power of friendship, why differences strengthen relationships, and how friends serve as our life editors. (24:16) Fredrik reveals that his best friend became his role model for leadership and emotional intelligence, showing him that being of service to others is more important than position.
• Main Theme: Friendship is a skill that requires intentional cultivation through consistent effort, honest communication, and mutual support rather than being a matter of chance or luck.Speakers
Fredrik Backman
Fredrik Backman is a bestselling Swedish novelist known for his compassionate storytelling about ordinary people. He's the author of "A Man Called Ove" (adapted into the Tom Hanks film "A Man Called Otto"), "Anxious People," the beloved "Beartown" series, and his newest book "My Friends." Despite describing himself as an introvert, Fredrik has built a global following through his ability to write about the quiet power of human connections and the daily work of meaningful relationships.
Simon Sinek
Simon Sinek is a bestselling author, leadership expert, and host of "A Bit of Optimism" podcast. Known for his books on leadership and human connection, Simon brings his expertise in understanding what motivates people and builds strong relationships. He openly admits to writing more books than he's read, yet finds himself inspired by guests like Fredrik to explore literature more deeply.
Key Takeaways
Choose Quantity Time Over Quality Time
Fredrik and his friend Riyadh prioritize spending large amounts of time together rather than seeking perfect moments. (19:22) As Fredrik explains, "I would rather have quantity. I would rather have a hundred hours with you over the phone than going on this trip to Las Vegas." This approach creates space for mistakes, growth, and authentic connection. The investment of consistent time allows relationships to weather difficulties and provides multiple opportunities to show up for each other.
Be the Friend You Want to Have
The path to finding great friends begins with choosing to be that friend first. (22:42) Fredrik's friend demonstrates this by showing up at people's houses during loss and simply saying "I'm here" - offering presence rather than perfect words. This means making yourself available, being genuinely happy for others' success, and showing up consistently even when it's inconvenient. True friendship requires you to invest effort before expecting returns.
Let Friends Edit Your Life
Great friends serve as editors who help you process emotions and reactions before you act on them. (11:28) Fredrik describes how his friend provides a space to vent exaggerated reactions, knowing it's "not how I'm gonna say it to them, but I needed to say it to you first." These friends help you identify when you're wrong, validate when you're right, and guide you toward better responses. This editing process prevents reactive decisions and builds emotional intelligence.
Establish Rules for Fighting
Healthy relationships require agreed-upon boundaries for conflict. (27:37) Fredrik and his wife established early on that neither could threaten to leave during arguments, calling it "an atomic bomb" that immediately ends productive discussion. They spend hours analyzing fights afterward to understand each other better. Setting these boundaries creates safety to disagree while protecting the foundation of the relationship.
The Work is On Yourself
When people say relationships are "a lot of work," they mean the work is on improving yourself, not fixing the other person. (29:04) Fredrik explains: "The work is on me. I have to work on who I am, communicating better, explaining my feelings better, understanding me better so that I can explain myself better." This perspective shifts focus from changing others to personal growth, making you a better partner and friend through continuous self-improvement.
Statistics & Facts
- Fredrik and his best friend Riyadh have maintained their friendship for over 30 years since they were teenagers. (07:36) This demonstrates the longevity possible when both people invest in the relationship consistently.
- Fredrik's friend started as a forklift driver at age 19 and worked his way up over 25 years to become head of HR for a company of 900 people. (07:48) This shows how leadership can develop through service to others rather than position.
- Fredrik and his wife have been together for 18 years, during which they've both changed significantly as people. (29:52) This illustrates how successful relationships adapt to personal growth and life changes.
