Why Women Lose Desire Faster in Marriage | Esther Perel
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
World-renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel reveals why modern relationships demand more from us than any generation in history in this thought-provoking conversation. (02:10) Growing up as the child of Holocaust survivors taught her that nothing is permanent, shaping her life's work around helping people create meaningful connections. (43:00) She explores why women get bored with monogamy faster than men, why desire dies when you stop taking risks, and why the very things that attract you to someone become the source of your biggest conflicts later. The discussion delves into how great relationships aren't about finding the perfect person, but choosing someone and deciding to show up differently every day.
- Main themes focus on modern relationship challenges, the evolution of marriage and monogamy, sustaining desire in long-term relationships, and how cultural shifts have transformed expectations in committed partnerships
Speakers
Esther Perel
Esther Perel is a world-renowned psychotherapist, bestselling author, and one of the most prominent authorities on relationships and sexuality. She has been a couples therapist and relationship expert for over thirty years, working with families, couples, and companies on modern relationships and how cultural changes affect intimate connections. Her book "Mating in Captivity" has been translated into 26 languages, establishing her as a leading voice in the intersection of sexuality, relationships, and culture.
Lewis Howes
Lewis Howes is the host of The School of Greatness podcast, a New York Times bestselling author, and former professional athlete. He focuses on helping ambitious professionals achieve mastery in their fields while building meaningful relationships and creating lasting impact in their personal and professional lives.
Key Takeaways
Desire Dies Without Risk and Novelty
Perel explains that committed sex must be premeditated and intentional, not left to chance. (28:08) She emphasizes that "whatever is gonna just happen already has" in long-term relationships. The key insight is that desire thrives on emotional risk-taking and stepping outside your comfort zone with your partner. This doesn't mean dangerous activities, but rather bringing something different to the relationship than your typical presentation. Partners need to actively create space for mystery and playfulness, moving beyond the safety of routine caretaking roles that, while loving, can be anti-aphrodisiac.
You Don't Find Your Partner, You Choose Them
One of Perel's most powerful insights challenges the romanticized notion of "finding the one." (61:45) She states definitively: "You don't find your partner. You choose your partner. It's very different." The context reveals that many people fall into endless searching, thinking they need to find someone who will make them stop looking. Instead, successful relationships require a conscious decision to put down roots with someone and deepen that connection, rather than constantly beta-testing partners looking for something better.
Caretaking is a Powerful Anti-Aphrodisiac
Perel reveals a crucial paradox in long-term relationships: the very caregiving that expresses love can kill desire. (26:14) She explains that "caretaking is a very powerful experience in love, and it is a very powerful anti-aphrodisiac." People are most drawn to their partners when they see them "in their element" - radiant, confident, and not needing care. The challenge becomes learning to calibrate between love (which includes needing) and desire (which is about wanting). Partners must balance being supportive when needed while maintaining their individual vitality and independence.
Modern Relationships Require One Person to Be Your Entire Village
Perel highlights how modern relationships place unprecedented demands on couples. (34:45) She notes: "We used to have a village of people to do that and now we just expect one person to be the village." Historically, extended families, communities, and social networks provided emotional support, but today's isolated couples expect their partner to fulfill every role - best friend, therapist, co-parent, business partner, and passionate lover. This unrealistic expectation creates pressure and disappointment. Successful modern relationships require multiple sources of connection and support, not placing the entire emotional burden on one person.
Turn Yourself On First
Rather than focusing on what turns you off about your partner, Perel suggests asking: "I turn myself off when?" and "I turn myself on when?" (25:11) The answers reveal that desire starts with your own vitality - when you're connected with friends, doing sports, playing music, feeling confident and alive. She emphasizes that "the biggest turn on is confidence" and that people are most attracted to their partners when they're thriving independently. This means taking responsibility for your own aliveness and bringing that energy to the relationship, rather than waiting for your partner to make you feel desired.
Statistics & Facts
- Research shows that women get bored with monogamy much sooner than men, with women's desire declining post-marriage while men's desire goes down gradually. (21:58) Perel explains this isn't because women care less about sex, but because they care less about the type of sex available in their committed relationships.
- Divorce rates are over 50% for first marriages and 65% for second marriages in the United States. (33:12) Perel uses this statistic to challenge the notion that divorce equals failure, arguing that many 20-year marriages represent success even when they end.
- 50% of millennials are children of divorce or disillusioned marriages, with half of young men growing up with single mothers. (50:51) Perel suggests this has created a generation of men with better emotional intelligence due to deeper conversations at the dinner table.
