The Real Reason You Can't Stop Your Addiction | Dr. Gabor Maté
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this profound conversation, Dr. Gabor Maté challenges everything we think we know about healing and trauma with host Lewis Howes. Maté reveals that the abuse itself often isn't the deepest wound – it's the lack of emotional safety and support that followed. (57:00) He explains how children who experience trauma but aren't properly seen and supported get trapped in their wounds, leading to lifelong patterns of addiction and illness.
• Main Theme: Trauma isn't just about what happened to you – it's about the absence of what should have happened, particularly emotional safety and authentic expression in childhood.
Speakers
Dr. Gabor Maté
Dr. Gabor Maté is a world-renowned physician and bestselling author whose groundbreaking work explores the connections between childhood development, trauma, and adult health. A Holocaust survivor born in Budapest in 1944, Maté has spent decades working with patients struggling with addiction and chronic illness. He's the author of several acclaimed books including "Scattered Minds," "When the Body Says No," "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts," and his latest work "The Myth of Normal: Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture."
Lewis Howes
Lewis Howes is the host of The School of Greatness podcast and New York Times bestselling author of several books including "Make Money Easy" and "The Mask of Masculinity." A former professional athlete turned entrepreneur, Howes has built a media empire focused on personal development and helping people overcome trauma to achieve their potential.
Key Takeaways
The Freeze Response Was Your Body's Brilliant Protection
When Lewis shared his shame about not fighting back during sexual abuse at age five, Dr. Maté reframed this completely. (55:30) The inability to fight or flee wasn't weakness – it was the nervous system's intelligent survival mechanism. When fight or flight isn't possible, the body activates the freeze response to protect you. This reframe transforms shame into recognition of your body's wisdom, helping survivors understand they responded exactly as they needed to survive.
Secondary Trauma is Often the Real Wound
Maté distinguishes between primary and secondary trauma, explaining that the abuse itself may be secondary to the deeper wound: not having emotional safety in your family system. (57:00) If a child can't tell their parents about trauma, it reveals they don't feel safe being vulnerable. This lack of emotional safety becomes the primary wound that shapes lifelong patterns of relationships and self-worth.
Your Body Speaks When You Can't Say No
When Lewis described developing mysterious skin inflammation during a stressful relationship, Maté asked a powerful question: "What is your body saying no to that you're not saying no to?" (22:45) Physical symptoms often manifest when we suppress emotions or fail to set boundaries. The body becomes the messenger for unexpressed feelings, particularly anger and resentment we're afraid to voice.
Depression is Literally Pushed-Down Emotions
Maté reveals the etymological connection between depression and suppression – both involve pushing down. (33:17) Children learn to "depress" their authentic emotions to maintain connection with caregivers who can't handle their full range of feelings. This survival strategy becomes the foundation for adult depression, making it not a disease but a learned coping mechanism that can be unlearned.
Addiction is Slavery to Unmet Childhood Needs
The word "addiction" comes from the Latin "addictus," meaning an indentured slave. (02:30) Maté defines addiction as finding temporary relief through behaviors that ultimately cause harm and can't be stopped. Every addiction attempts to solve a problem – usually the need to feel worthy, connected, or free from pain. Understanding addiction as problem-solving rather than moral failing opens pathways to healing the underlying wounds.
Statistics & Facts
- In the United States, 25% of women must return to work within two weeks of giving birth. (38:38) Dr. Maté explains this statistic shows how society fails to support the crucial bonding period when infants need their mothers' presence for healthy development.
- Men who were sexually abused in childhood have triple the risk of heart disease in adulthood. (17:39) This demonstrates the profound connection between childhood trauma and adult physical health outcomes.
- Women who suffer severe PTSD symptoms have double the risk of ovarian cancer. (17:52) This statistic illustrates how emotional trauma directly impacts physical health through the mind-body connection.
