Notes on Being a Man — a Live Conversation with Ben Stiller
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this episode, Scott Galloway joins Ben Stiller for a live conversation at 92NY, discussing modern masculinity, fatherhood, and the challenges facing young men today. (02:52) The discussion centers around Galloway's book "Notes on Being a Man," exploring why mentoring young men has become controversial and how masculinity can evolve constructively. (15:52) They delve into statistics showing young men are struggling - four times more likely to die by suicide, three times more likely to be homeless or addicted to substances. (09:54) The conversation covers the importance of relationships, marriage as a stabilizing force for men, and how economic viability affects mating prospects. (40:18) Galloway shares personal stories about his relationship with his parents, the power of forgiveness, and finding purpose through family and protecting others.
- Main theme: Redefining masculinity as strength used for protection rather than dominance, while addressing the crisis facing young men without reverting to outdated gender roles
Speakers
Scott Galloway
Scott Galloway is a professor, entrepreneur, and bestselling author who has built and sold multiple companies. He serves on boards of various companies and splits his time between writing, media appearances, and investments. Galloway is known for his expertise in technology, business strategy, and social commentary, regularly appearing on shows like Real Time with Bill Maher and hosting popular podcasts.
Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller is an acclaimed actor, director, and comedian known for films like Meet the Parents, Zoolander, and the Night at the Museum franchise. He recently directed the documentary "Stiller and Meara: Nothing is Lost" about his parents, comedy duo Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. Stiller is also a UCLA alumnus and has been involved in various humanitarian efforts including work with refugees.
Key Takeaways
Young Men Need Economic Opportunity, Not Gender Wars
The crisis facing young men isn't about returning to 1950s gender roles or diminishing women's progress. (09:54) Men are four times more likely to die by suicide, three times more likely to be homeless or addicted to substances, and 12 times more likely to be incarcerated. However, the solution isn't regressing women's rights but creating economic pathways for young men to become viable partners and productive members of society. (13:52) The real issue is that homes are six times more expensive than when previous generations bought them, while incomes have only doubled, making it nearly impossible for young people to achieve traditional markers of success.
Masculinity Should Be Redefined as Protection, Not Dominance
True masculinity involves three progressive stages: becoming a provider, moving to protection of family, and ultimately protecting people you'll never meet. (59:29) The most masculine jobs - military, firefighters, police - all center around protection rather than domination. (60:14) Current male role models like certain political and business leaders have "conflated masculinity with coarseness and cruelty," which is the antithesis of true masculine behavior. Real strength comes from using power and resources to protect the vulnerable, not to dominate or exploit them.
Relationships Are Essential Guardrails for Men
Research consistently shows men benefit more from relationships than women do. (42:14) Widows are often happier after their husband dies, while widowers become less happy. Men live four to seven years longer when married, and if a man hasn't cohabitated by age 30, there's a one-in-three chance he'll become a substance abuser. (42:36) When women lack romantic relationships, they typically redirect energy into friendships and careers. When men lack relationships, they often turn to online content, nationalism, and misogyny, blaming others for their problems.
Greatness Lies in Creating Surplus Value for Others
The true measure of becoming a man is reaching a point where you create more economic value than you absorb, notice more people's lives than notice yours, and handle more complaints than you make. (54:16) This concept of "surplus value" means contributing more to society than you take from it. Success isn't just about personal achievement but about lifting others up and creating opportunities for the people around you. (20:48) Galloway attributes his success to being excellent at attracting and retaining talented people, giving them ownership, and scaling efforts through others rather than trying to do everything himself.
Emotional Intelligence Requires Practice and Vulnerability
Men often suppress emotions due to evolutionary programming where showing weakness could mean death, but modern life requires emotional engagement. (69:49) Galloway admits to not crying for 15 years (ages 29-44) and encourages men to "stop and really bask" in moments that inspire them, to understand why something moves them, and to allow themselves to feel deeply. (71:02) The danger is "ripping through life" without ever really feeling anything - making money and having kids but never truly experiencing the full spectrum of human emotion and connection.
Statistics & Facts
- 45% of men aged 18-24 have never asked a woman out in person. (06:57) This statistic illustrates the social isolation and lack of romantic initiative among young men in the digital age.
- Only one-third of men under 30 are in relationships, compared to two-thirds of women. (13:47) This mathematically impossible situation occurs because women are dating older, seeking more economically and emotionally viable partners.
- Only 27% of 30-year-olds have at least one child today, compared to 60% forty years ago. (45:00) This dramatic decline in family formation isn't due to anti-child sentiment but economic inability to afford raising children.
