What Nobody Tells You About Grief and Loss
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this deeply moving episode, grief expert David Kessler joins Mel Robbins to discuss everything no one tells you about grief and loss. (00:00) David, who has spent over 30 years helping people through unimaginable loss and has personally experienced the death of his mother at 13 and his son at 21, shares transformative insights about healing after loss. (02:58) The conversation explores how grief expands not just our capacity for pain, but also for joy and laughter, offering a framework for living with more peace, grace, and meaning after loss. (08:00)
- Main Theme: Understanding grief as a natural process that, when fully experienced, allows us to live more fully - with practical tools for healing and supporting others through loss.
Speakers
Mel Robbins
Mel Robbins is a bestselling author, podcaster, and one of the world's leading experts on motivation and behavior change. She hosts The Mel Robbins Podcast and has built a global community focused on helping people create better lives through research-backed strategies and practical tools.
David Kessler
David Kessler is one of the world's most renowned experts on grief and loss, founder of grief.com, and bestselling author of eight books. He has over 30 years of experience training doctors, nurses, counselors, and first responders on grief, and his online platform has helped over 5 million people navigate loss. David's expertise comes not only from decades of professional work but from his personal experience losing his mother at age 13 and his son David at age 21.
Key Takeaways
Grief Expands Your Capacity for Both Pain and Joy
David reveals that loss pushes our bandwidth for pain, but it also expands our capacity for happiness, joy, and laughter. (08:00) In his grief workshops, David noticed his rooms were often the loudest with laughter, even though they were discussing death and loss. This isn't contradictory - it's natural. When we allow ourselves to feel grief fully, we don't just cry harder; we also laugh harder and experience emotions more deeply across the spectrum.
You're Not Doing Grief Wrong - Remove It From Timeline
The number one thing David wants people to know is to get grief off a timeline. (27:56) Research shows most people wait five years before seeking professional help for grief, thinking they should be "over it" by then. David defines early grief as the first two years, challenging the societal pressure to move on quickly. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and comparing your timeline to others only slows healing.
Reach Out for Support - It's the Hardest and Most Important Step
After losing his son, David experienced firsthand how difficult it is to ask for help, even as a grief expert. (13:00) He emphasizes that when someone in grief reaches out, your job is to applaud them - it takes enormous courage. Don't wait for them to ask what they need; instead, show up with practical support like food, groceries, or helping with logistics. Your presence matters more than having the right words.
Understand Different Grieving Styles Without Judgment
David identifies "practical grievers" who approach loss pragmatically and move on quickly, versus those who need to process emotions deeply. (15:08) Neither style is wrong - they're just different approaches. The key is not seeking grief support from practical grievers if you're a feeling griever, and not judging others for their different processing styles. Find your people who understand your way of grieving.
Transform Pain Into Love Through Meaning-Making
David's concept of "finding meaning" isn't about the death having purpose, but about what you choose to make happen after the loss. (53:00) The love doesn't die when someone dies - only the physical presence ends. By releasing pain in your own time and way, you can connect purely through love. This meaning-making process transforms grief from something that controls you into something that impacts you positively.
Statistics & Facts
- Research shows that most people wait five years before seeking professional help for grief, and those are considered the "lucky ones" because many never reach out at all. (13:54)
- The death rate is 100% - everyone comes from "a long line of dead people" and there's something in us that knows how to handle loss, as our ancestors did. (05:40)
- David's online platform grief.com has helped over 5 million people navigate different types of grief and loss through workbooks, workshops, and support groups. (02:58)
