It’s Not You: Why Your Family Stresses You Out & What To Do About It
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
This episode features Dr. Mariel Buqué, a Columbia-trained psychologist and leading expert on intergenerational trauma, discussing how to break generational cycles and create healthier family dynamics. (00:42) Dr. Buqué reveals how childhood experiences and family roles profoundly shape adult relationships, and explains why the same patterns of tension and conflict repeat year after year in families. The conversation explores how trauma gets passed down through generations until someone decides to break the cycle, with particular focus on the challenges faced by eldest daughters who often become parentified children. (25:58)
- Main themes: The episode centers on understanding family dynamics through the lens of intergenerational trauma, providing practical tools for nervous system regulation, and learning how to heal yourself even when others in your family aren't ready to do their own work.
Speakers
Dr. Mariel Buqué
Dr. Buqué earned her doctorate in psychology from Columbia University and completed a three-year fellowship with the US Department of Health and Human Services and Columbia University Medical Center. She is regarded as one of the world's leading experts in healing intergenerational trauma and advises major institutions including Yale School of Medicine and NYU on trauma-informed practices. She is also the bestselling author of "Break the Cycle."
Mel Robbins
Mel Robbins is a bestselling author, podcaster, and motivational speaker known for her practical approach to personal development. She hosts The Mel Robbins Podcast and is the author of "The Let Them Theory," which has become a transformative tool for millions seeking to break free from emotional reactivity.
Key Takeaways
Acknowledge the Truth of Your Experience
The hardest but most crucial step in breaking generational cycles is naming your truth and taking family secrets out of the closet. (25:59) This doesn't mean bringing everyone into family therapy, but rather being honest with yourself about what you experienced. Dr. Buqué emphasizes that you don't need external validation from family members to heal - this is an internal job that requires auto-validation and self-compassion.
Practice the One-Second Pause
True cycle-breaking happens when you can buy back just one second of reaction time before responding to triggers. (60:19) Within 250 milliseconds, your brain can process triggering information and bring it to conscious awareness, giving you the opportunity to choose your response rather than react automatically. This single second allows you to align your actions with your healing values instead of falling back on familiar patterns of fight, flight, or freeze.
Understand That No Two Siblings Have the Same Parents
Even siblings raised in the same household have completely different experiences based on birth order, gender dynamics, and family roles. (09:42) Eldest daughters, for example, often become parentified children who take on emotional burdens and fix family problems. Understanding this helps explain why family members may have vastly different perspectives on the same childhood, and why seeking validation from siblings about your experience may be futile.
Regulate Your Nervous System Daily
Healing happens through consistent micro-moments of nervous system regulation throughout your day. (32:46) Dr. Buqué recommends simple practices like deep breathing for five minutes, rocking motions that activate the ventral vagal nerve, and humming - all of which can be integrated into everyday activities without requiring major schedule changes. These practices help you stay grounded and present rather than chronically activated.
Meet People at Their Level of Healing
Family members can only meet you as deeply as they've worked on themselves. (28:57) Rather than expecting parents or siblings to validate your pain or match your healing journey, focus on doing your own work and letting them be where they are. This prevents you from getting stuck in anger and disappointment while allowing space for whatever small moments of connection or acknowledgment might be possible.
Statistics & Facts
- In Dr. Buqué's practice of 75-80 patients, only three were men, highlighting that women are significantly more likely to seek help for emotional healing. (23:48) This reveals a concerning gap in men's willingness to address intergenerational trauma and emotional wounds.
- Women are overly represented in autoimmune conditions like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis due to emotional suppression and chronic stress from carrying family burdens. (21:56) The suppression of emotions leads to immune system suppression, which triggers autoimmune processes.
- Dr. Buqué's eldest patient who began healing work was 84 years old, demonstrating that it's never too late to start breaking generational cycles and transforming your emotional legacy. (07:01)
