I Know that She Knows that I Know that She Knows: Steven Pinker on the Mysteries of Money, Power, and Everyday Life
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this fascinating conversation, Steven Pinker explores the hidden logic behind human communication and how "common knowledge" shapes everything from romantic attraction to financial markets. (08:00) Pinker explains how we constantly communicate with partial information through hints, innuendo, and weasel words rather than blurting out our true intentions. The discussion reveals why social relationships depend on what "everyone knows that everyone knows" - the shared assumptions that allow us to navigate complex interactions without destroying the underlying relationships. (11:00)
Key themes explored:
- The strategic use of indirect communication to test boundaries and preserve relationships while achieving goals
Speakers
Steven Pinker
Steven Pinker is a Harvard professor and renowned cognitive scientist who has authored multiple bestselling books including "The Better Angels of Our Nature" and "Rationality." He's a member of the National Academy of Sciences and has spent over 35 years in academia, previously at MIT and now at Harvard. Pinker is known for translating complex academic ideas into accessible insights for general audiences, covering topics from psychology and linguistics to human nature and social progress.
James Altucher
James Altucher is an entrepreneur, investor, and podcast host who has started multiple companies and been involved in all aspects of business operations. He's the author of several books and hosts "The James Altucher Show," where he interviews leading thinkers and explores ideas that can help people improve their lives and careers.
Key Takeaways
Master the Art of Strategic Communication
Rather than always being direct, learn to communicate with partial information to test boundaries and achieve your goals without damaging relationships. (08:00) Pinker explains how we use "weasel words" like asking an officer "is there some way we could settle this ticket without going to court?" instead of directly offering a bribe. This approach allows you to gauge the other person's receptiveness while maintaining plausible deniability. In salary negotiations, asking "Can we discuss taking on more responsibilities?" is more effective than demanding a raise because it opens dialogue without forcing a confrontational response.
Understand That Relationships Are Built on Common Knowledge
All social relationships - friendships, romantic partnerships, professional connections - are grounded in shared, often unspoken understanding of the relationship's nature. (11:00) When someone says "I love you" and gets the same response back, they're creating common knowledge that establishes them as lovers. Challenging this common knowledge directly can destroy relationships, which is why subtle communication preserves the relationship even when testing boundaries fails.
Leverage Laughter as a Social Equalizer
Humor generates common knowledge and serves as powerful social currency for building connections and establishing equality. (16:00) When you laugh with others, everyone knows everyone else is laughing, creating shared understanding. Self-deprecating humor signals vulnerability and equality, making you more approachable and trustworthy. Shared laughter also reveals common values and background assumptions, which is why compatible humor is crucial for romantic attraction and friendship formation.
Recognize the Value of "Rational Hypocrisy"
Total honesty can be destructive to relationships and organizations, making strategic restraint a valuable skill. (38:00) Pinker discusses how companies that enforced "radical honesty" policies failed because relationships depend on certain comfortable fictions. Learn to calibrate when preserving relationship harmony is worth more than expressing every honest thought. Sometimes maintaining the fiction that "friends will do anything for each other" is more valuable than pointing out when this isn't literally true.
Apply Game Theory Thinking to Social Situations
Many social interactions involve recursive thinking - trying to understand what others think you think they think. (29:00) In negotiations, dating, or workplace dynamics, success often comes from being strategically unpredictable while reading others' patterns. Like in poker, if you're too predictable, others will exploit your patterns. Develop the ability to vary your approach while maintaining awareness of how others might be analyzing your behavior.
Statistics & Facts
- Based on LinkedIn data, 72% of small and medium businesses say using LinkedIn helps them find high quality candidates. (26:00) This statistic was mentioned during a sponsor segment highlighting the effectiveness of LinkedIn's hiring platform.
- Steven Pinker mentions being in academia for more than 35 years, starting at MIT and now at Harvard. (64:13) This establishes his extensive experience and credibility in academic research and public intellectual work.
- Over 2.5 million small businesses use LinkedIn for hiring today. (27:00) This demonstrates the scale and widespread adoption of LinkedIn as a hiring platform among smaller organizations.
