Why You Keep Misreading People | Surrounded By Idiots Author
Timestamps are as accurate as they can be but may be slightly off. We encourage you to listen to the full context.
Podcast Summary
In this compelling episode, behavioral expert and bestselling author Thomas Erikson reveals why most communication fails and shares his transformative approach to connecting with anyone. (03:00) Thomas explains that effective communication happens on the receiver's terms, not yours, and introduces his four-color framework (red, yellow, green, blue) that has helped millions understand different personality types and communication preferences. (04:32) The conversation explores how self-awareness forms the foundation of great communication, why adapting your style to match your listener's needs is essential, and practical strategies for reading people quickly and adjusting your approach accordingly. (27:07)
- Main Theme: Communication mastery through adaptability - learning to speak differently to different people based on their behavioral preferences rather than your own communication style.
Speakers
Thomas Erikson
Thomas Erikson is a Swedish behavioral expert and international bestselling author whose book "Surrounded by Idiots" has been translated into 70 languages and has helped millions worldwide understand personality types and communication styles. He works as a management consultant and speaker, delivering lectures to groups ranging from six-person management teams to audiences of 10,000 people, focusing on helping individuals and organizations improve their communication effectiveness through behavioral understanding.
Damien Hughes
Damien Hughes is the host of the Essential Habits of High Performance podcast, focusing on exploring daily practices and mindsets that create extraordinary results for ambitious professionals seeking mastery in their fields.
Key Takeaways
Master the Art of Listening Before Speaking
Thomas emphasizes that the most transformative communication habit is simple: "Close your mouth and open your ears." (05:34) This isn't about staying silent, but about only speaking when you have something of value to contribute. Many people talk without truly adding value to the conversation, especially in important situations. The key is developing active listening skills that allow you to understand what the other person actually needs from the interaction. This creates space for more meaningful exchanges and helps you gather crucial information about how to adapt your communication style. When you listen more than you speak, you gain insights into the other person's behavioral preferences, concerns, and communication needs.
Develop Self-Awareness as Your Communication Foundation
According to Thomas, social competence starts with understanding yourself first. (07:00) He explains that "in order to understand how I affect you, I need to understand me." This self-awareness allows you to recognize your default communication patterns and identify when they might not be serving the conversation. For example, if you tend to be direct and result-focused (red traits), you need to recognize when the person you're speaking with needs more detail, reassurance, or time to process (green or blue traits). Without this self-awareness, you'll unconsciously use yourself as the template for how everyone should be communicated with, leading to frequent misunderstandings and frustration.
Adapt Your Communication Style to Match Others
The core principle of Thomas's approach is understanding that communication happens on the receiver's terms, not yours. (04:37) This means recognizing the four basic behavioral types and adjusting accordingly: Red personalities need results and directness, Yellow personalities need inspiration and enthusiasm, Green personalities need stability and gentle approaches, Blue personalities need quality information and details. (15:08) Rather than speaking the way you want to be spoken to, you must learn to speak the way others need to be spoken to. This adaptation isn't about being fake or manipulative - it's about being considerate and effective in your communication.
Ask for Feedback to Accelerate Your Growth
Thomas identifies asking for feedback as the "easiest way, the quickest way to achieve results" in communication improvement. (27:31) He suggests asking specific questions like "How would you like me to present this to you?" or "How would you like me to go about this?" People will typically tell you their preferences if you're brave enough to ask. This might result in responses like "Get straight to the point," "Send me bullet points," or "I need more background information first." (28:00) This direct approach eliminates guesswork and shows respect for the other person's communication preferences, leading to more efficient and effective interactions.
Focus Completely on the Individual During Communication
Thomas's final key insight is about laser-sharp focus during communication. (34:36) He emphasizes focusing "100% on this specifically" when communicating with someone. This means turning your phone face down or leaving it in another room, avoiding multitasking, and giving your complete attention to the person in front of you. (35:25) Research shows that simply having your phone on the table takes about 22% of your focus even when it's turned off. (35:38) This complete focus demonstrates respect, helps you pick up on subtle cues about the other person's communication style, and significantly improves the quality of your interactions.
Statistics & Facts
- 80% of people show a combination of two behavioral colors, while only 5% show just one color. (16:03) Thomas explains this when describing how most people are not purely one behavioral type but rather a mix, making them more complex to read and understand.
- Having your smartphone on the table takes approximately 22% of your focus even when it's turned off. (35:38) Thomas cites this research to emphasize how technology interferes with effective communication and focus.
- Red personalities make up less than 10% of the population, making them the least common behavioral type. (16:22) Thomas mentions this when discussing his wife, who is purely red with no other colors, making her extremely rare.
